The Hotel Bartone

The Dangers of Falling Asleep on the Sofa on Friday Evening

phil — Sat, 01 Sep 2007 03:09:25 +0000

Suddenly like a bank of fog you’re on a pebble beach masturbating a great white whale fluke dog cock of smoke and the Bering Strait and it’s a sit down wedding reception but oh no Paris Hilton is there on the guest list and you’re seated at her table but she’s come in fancy dress as Jane Roe from Roe vs Wade, which sends entirely the wrong message.

And I’ve lost my place in the book I was reading.

Coolness as a Function of Gothness

phil — Wed, 04 Jul 2007 17:44:14 +0000

coolness = 10( (number of X chromosomes * 2) - 3) ^ gothness

My Twitter Feed

phil — Tue, 08 May 2007 17:10:17 +0000

I am doing fuck all.

Hit refresh to see what I am doing now.

Batman’s Nights Off

phil — Sun, 17 Dec 2006 19:20:27 +0000

Here’s a thought that struck me the other day. What do the good citizens of Gotham City do on clear nights*? Does crime run rampant across town, or do the criminals take the night off, too?

* because they can’t beam the bat signal onto the clouds, can they?

Where I’ve Been

phil — Tue, 21 Nov 2006 17:06:10 +0000

Where haven’t I been, eh? EH?

New job, no girlfriend. That’s where I’ve been. It’s been an interesting couple of months.

I’m starting to get back on top of things, so expect some updates - maybe (gasp) even a return of the Hotel Bartone.

Quick Update

phil — Fri, 01 Sep 2006 14:43:23 +0000

I know, I know. No Hotel Bartone Episode 7 and not a jot of anything else in a while.

Here’s the thing: I can’t be bothered. It’s that simple. I can’t be arsed, shagged, or indeed fagged to do anything. It just really is quite that simple.

The Hotel Bartone - Episode 6

phil — Sun, 16 Jul 2006 21:36:36 +0000

Breakfast at the Hotel Bartone

22 miles north west of Oxford on the A44, the Hotel Bartone. We awake to a new morning, a quick cocktail, and an apparently deserted hotel. The shenanigans of last night seem a distant memory as we tuck into a boozy breakfast - but naturally it won’t be that simple, or else there wouldn’t be a story to tell.

Download The Hotel Bartone - Episode 6

Why We Didn’t Win The World Cup

phil — Fri, 07 Jul 2006 03:27:39 +0000

I just went looking for free MP3s of “Land of Hope of Glory”, “Jerusalem” and “I Vow To Thee My Country” online, and the best I could come up with was an - admittedly reasonable - rendition of “Jerusalem” recorded by a girls’ school choir from America.

Where did England go? Admittedly I left, but that was because I couldn’t fucking stand living there any more.

And that’s why we didn’t win the World Cup.

The Hotel Bartone - Episode 5

phil — Fri, 30 Jun 2006 13:06:48 +0000

Doctor Hugh

22 miles north west of Oxford on the A44, the Hotel Bartone. Having taken a sharp left into the realm of horror as a wild beast tore a bloody trail through the Hotel, we find ourselves in the small hours of the night on the fairway of the Hotel’s golf course staring at a victim of a possible vampire attack.

Download The Hotel Bartone - Episode 5

Imaginary Fronds

phil — Wed, 21 Jun 2006 02:52:27 +0000

Sometimes I sit on the sofa and pretend that there is a large and luxuriant potted fern in the corner of the living room.

There isn’t of course. The only thing potted around here is the shrimp.

And mother’s head.