Phil Glanville Dot Com

Bottle o’Dog

Well here we are again, like we were last week
Not a sign of totty, but at least the beer’s cheap
Ain’t got their act together so I’ll sign you in at t’door
We’ll get ten pints in, then we’ll vom’ on floor

Bottle O’Dog - get the fuckers in
Bottle O’Dog - ‘pound ten in Chamberlain
Bottle O’Dog - the Stella’s fuckin’ shite
Bottle O’Dog - drink Newccy all night

Had a beer or ten and then the women look attractive
Saving grace is, your willy’s then inactive
Took them half an hour to pour a pint of piss
Down before the cunt in front had took a sniff of his

Bottle O’Dog - get the fuckers in
Bottle O’Dog - ‘pound ten in Chamberlain
Bottle O’Dog - it’s your round
Bottle O’Dog - let’s get ‘em down

Some fucker’s nicked the money and took the Newccy too
Left the Murphy’s and the Flowers cos they taste like spew
Looks like we’ll be gettin’ no fuckin’ beers down
Unless we fork out money down the fuckin’ Crown

Bottle O’Dog - get the fuckers in
Bottle O’Dog - ‘pound ten in Chamberlain
Bottle O’Dog - don’t drink too much
Bottle O’Dog - bloik!

Steve Bruce

Well, we started off f’being homs and drinking loads of wine
Then we fucked off to the bar and everything were fine
Then Simo started pukin’ up, and then all hell broke loose
Cos I started chattin’ up this slag with a nose like Stevie Bruce

Steve Bruce, Steve Bruce - she’s an ugly fuckin’ moose
It took me half an hour to find her legs weren’t quite so loose
Steve Bruce, Steve Bruce - I had f’join the queue
The fact I’d had a skinful were my only excuse

Simo back into the flat, chucking in the shower
But me, I chatted up a different bird every hour
Drinking fucking Newccy, I had f’fuckin’ neck it
Couldn’t see she were about as fit as fuckin’ Margaret Beckett

Steve Bruce, Steve Bruce - she’s an ugly fuckin’ moose
It took me half an hour to find her legs weren’t quite so loose
Steve Bruce, Steve Bruce - I were fuckin’ goosed
The fact I’d had a skinful were my only excuse

Twenty pints of fuckin’ ale, I did want f’dick her
Didn’t know she had dicky bird in her fuckin’ knickers
A load of grey slime, gammy minge, I’d get a scabby cock
But we had f’carry Simo back, and it were only ten o’clock

Steve Bruce, Steve Bruce - she’s an ugly fuckin’ moose
It took me half an hour to find her legs weren’t quite so loose
Steve Bruce, Steve Bruce - smelly fanny juice
The fact I’d had a skinful were my only excuse

Channel Tunnel

We’re linked with the cunts across the water
Burnin’ sheep and shaggin’ us daughters
Onions and garlic make a fuckin’ stench
Who the fuck else but the fuckin’ French?

We don’t want Frogs in Eurotunnel
We don’t want to be run from Brussels
Let’s show the cunts some fuckin’ British muscle

European or smelly Frog
German bastard or greasy wop
They call us fuckin’ Eurosceptics -
Don’t want to be part of that fuckin’ cesspit

They’re all like Jean-Paul Gaultier
He’s just another fucking gay
Fashion designers, birds with silly hats
Artists, models, they’re fuckin’ useless twats

In Paris all the blokes are queer
They’ve never tasted real beer
And all the birds have gonorrhoea

European or smelly Frog
Fuckin’ Kraut or greasy wop
We’re British lads, one for all
And we’re not poofs like Charles De Gaul
Napolean got whipped at Waterloo
Pissed on the cunts at Agincourt too
So if you’re a Frog and come from Calais
You’re as bent as the boss of fuckin’ Marseilles

I’m an Englishman, proud to be
And I won’t drive a 2CV
Not into paintings or objets d’art
It’s just a load of pretentious bollarx

Boddies

As originally performed by the Macc Lads - lyrics here (substitute “Chamberlain” for “The Bear’s Head”)

Chamberlain Birds

We live in fuckin’ South Hill
Birds are like pig swill
So if you want a bit of bra
You’ve got to go down t’bar
You go to get the beers in
And do some fuckin’ leerin’
But there’s nowt to see for miles around
Cos every bird’s a fuckin’ hound - go!

Chamberlain birds
Get your tits out for the lads
Not that there’d be many
Tits, that is

They look like Linda Lusardi
If you can afford that much Bacardi
And you’ll have to go on binges
Cos they’ve all got scabby minges
Nowt else to do in bar
But drink loads of beer
Have f’do huntin’ down town
In Chamberlain you drink Newccy Brown

Chamberlain birds
Fishy fanny batter
They’re all on the rags, but it doesn’t matter
They’re not worth a shag anyway

Jim Porter Supporter

My life were a mess, Jim fixed it for me
Heard the bird I was sharkin’ had VD
My mates said she were ugly but I fancied a dog
So I went to the bar when she went to the bog

They say that women let you down
You can’t say the same about Newccy Brown
We’re Jim Porter supporters
Get the beers in for the lads

Me beer was warming and me mates were pissed
I’d had enough of talking so I thought ‘fuck this’
She didn’t think it funny when I threw in her lap
And she always drank Bacardi so I knew it couldn’t last

They say that women let you down
You can’t say the same about Newccy Brown
We’re Jim Porter supporters
Get the beers in for the lads

Moral of the story is ‘lads before shags’
Drink your beer, ignore the slags
You only need one creamy head
And Newccy don’t complain about the wet patch in the bed

Man cannot live by beer alone
But we’ll give it a bloody good try
We’re Jim Porter supporters
Get the beers in for the lads
Drink up you ugly twat
Get your tits out, you fuckin’ slag

Off Games Week

My girlfriend’s fanny was always fairly grim
I had f’peg my nose up to go down on her quim
But one weekend she asked me to salivate in minge
I couldn’t quite believe it - she had the painters in

“Will you lick me?” - but it’s off games week!
I’ll put my willy up you later
But for now, use the applicator

She pulled out Mr Mousey who’d been living in her vag
Declared that she was horny and that she wanted a shag
I said “give over woman, that request is foul
You know you have to go for brown when bird is on the towel”

“Will you fuck me?” - but it’s off games week!
I’ll put my willy up you later
But for now, use the applicator

My testicles were burstin’, so much it wasn’t fun
I thought I’d go for six points and take her up the bum
But half way through she farted and I looked down in fear
My dick were covered all in shit, cos she had diarrhoea