Phil Glanville Dot Com

Absent friends

(music Paul & Phil, lyrics Phil)

Got my plastic, put on my mac, pop down the road to buy a four pack
It’s not the same since you have gone; I’m drinking me beer on me own
We used to go out pulling birds - we never did, but we got drunk
Now all I do is pull my hood - I’ve made my duvet smell of spunk

Average bloke

(music & lyrics Phil)

Some people say I’m special, but I’m really not that great
I get on well with some of them and some of them I hate
I’d like to shag two birds at once but I’d probably come too soon
And if I try to tell a joke there’s silence in the room

I’m an average bloke of average height, average weight, with an average fucking life

Some people say I’m clever but I fuck up just the same
I put the wrong name to a face and wrong face to a name
I try to avoid pretention, try to avoid airs and graces
I say cunt not vagina, and shit instead of faeces

I’m just an average bloke, I’m 24, and big shits make my bottom sore

Some people say I’m a wanker which I admit I can’t deny
but what ordinary bloke could if you looked him in the eye?
It’s less hassle than a girlfriend and cheaper than a whore
In fact it could be argued that it’s what your right hand’s for

I’m an average bloke, just like you are, but you’re probably better at playing the guitar

Two pint rule

(music & lyrics Phil)

I like a drink as much as the next man -
I know him, and he likes one, too
But we’re reaching the age when our stomachs will sag
one notch on my belt, and he’s gone up two

There’s got to be much more than this - another night out on the piss

But then I think “come on Phil, don’t be such a fool
You’ll be in the mood if you invoke the two pint rule”

I’d like a night in front of the telly
Eat my tea and watch the News
But Paul and Treeve keep telling me that
I’ll grow breasts if I don’t drink booze

I don’t believe there’s a medical link between the size of your cock and how much you can drink

I’m rather dreading the Monopoly Board
I don’t think I can advance to pints
The thought of Hilary with his cock out
Is not my idea of a pleasant sight

I’d rather be with my bird in bed, I woudn’t have to worry about getting The Head.

Straight

(music & lyrics Louise Post)

As originally performed by Veruca Salt - lyrics here

The morning after

(music & lyrics Phil)

Waking up again with a bad head, it’s the morning after
There’s puke on the bed and all up the wall and on the floor, it’s the morning after

You wish that you could die right here
You’ll never have another beer
Have a Beecham’s Resolve, you’ll be all right
We’ll go out on the piss tonight

Waking up again with some ugly bird, it’s the morning after
You don’t say a word, you try to escape, but it’s too late, it’s the morning after

You hope that you’ve not got VD
You’ll have to visit your GP
You’ll get some cream, you’ll be OK
You’ll live to drink another day

Waking up again, you’ve run out of cash, it’s the morning after
You went down the Crown, you got in a round, it came to ten pound, it’s the morning after

I’ve got a tenner you can borrow
Pop into the bank tomorrow
Get a bigger overdraft
Beer’s more valuable than cash

Two pound pint

(music Paul & Phil, lyrics Phil)

There comes a time when student bars make you feel quite sick
Every bird’s a grufty whore and every bloke’s a dick
It’s time to meet the great wide world on your quest for booze
There’s lots of public houses, but which one should you choose?

There’s a twat in the Hedgehog playing blues guitar
and the Mitre’s just the student bar

And down the Crown it’s a two pound pint
Wouldn’t be so bad but the beer is shite
We’ll have to go down town for a beery night
We want to get dead pissed but we’re too tight

Forget the days when a pound coin was a beer token
Now it costs £1.35 to even get a Coke in
And birds drink gin and tonic or Archer’s and lemonade
but you have to buy them drinks if you want to get laid

The Gordon’s smaller than the loo
And the beer in Clowns tastes like poo

There’s more students than ever, you can’t escape the losers
They’re everywhere you fucking look, they’ve invaded all the boozers
So do you give up drinking booze and go for tea of coffee?
In fact your best bet probably is to pop down to the offy

There’s bottom boys in Talking Heads
And the Hobbit’s full of blokes with dreads.

Drugs are dull

(music Paul & Phil, lyrics Phil)

There’s some twat on the telly saying it’s fun to abuse
Substances it’s illegal to use
And everyone falls for his media stunt
No-one says he’s a stupid cunt

Cos drugs are dull but booze is brill
A pint tastes nicer than a pill

Taking drugs is rubbish, but booze makes you a man
You’ll do all the things it seems that only Paul can
Drinking makes you popular and makes you good in bed
So don’t smoke dope, drink beer instead

I might not have a liver but at least I’ve got a life
I haven’t got dreadlocks cos they’re stupid if you’re white
Drugs make you a poofta and make you smell of shit
But booze makes you start talking of wanking and big tits

So if your friend’s a druggie, be sure to run away
He’ll touch you on the bottom cos he’s definitely gay
And if you are to question how I’m certain that he’s queer
It’s cos he only turned to drugs cos he can’t handle his beer

Drugs are rubbish but booze is great
Drugs become your master but booze becomes your mate

Brainwashed by me bird

(music & lyrics Phil)

I’m starting to think this relationship’s gone too far -
She’s put a tartan travel blanket in the boot of my car
Nocturnal flatulence is something she don’t appreciate
And she made me give all me wank mags away to me mates

Can’t talk of wanking, can’t talk of big tits
I need to get some beers in and get really pissed

I’m being brainwashed by me bird
I’m turning into a girl
I need some time off before it’s too late
Need to get pissed with some of me mates

She makes soup in a blender she got for eight pound
Throws a sherry party and has the next door neighbours around
It starts of with a lot of shagging but after a while
She’s knitting bootees and dragging you down the aisle

I can’t stand her nagging, I’ve had enough of this
I need to get some beers in and get really pissed

I thought that my life was getting to be pretty sad
I arranged to go out boozing with some of the lads
I got to the pub and I couldn’t believe my eyes -
They’re sitting with their girlfriends and they’re wearing shirts and ties

You’ve got to do the washing, you’ve got to make the tea
You put the toilet seat down when you’ve had a wee

You’ve been brainwashed by your bird
Resistence is absurd
They’ve got us by the balls
It happens to us all

This City

(music & lyrics John Foxx)

Bonus track. As originally performed by John Foxx - lyrics here